The Past...

The past has been running through my head these last few weeks. I haven’t decided if that is good, bad or just natural given the magnitude of the events over the last year. I think it is possibly due to the anniversary of the huge life altering event that took place for me last year is growing close - March 2nd and 3rd to be exact. And I think deep down maybe some things have yet to heal for me. I know in my last post I said I was finally ready to write about it all, and I still am, but finding just the right way to do that is still eluding me. I think the problem is in that yes “the event” was a huge catalyst in my life, but it also was a traumatic humbling event in another’s and I need to be respectful of that. And it doesn’t just end there; it was a domino effect in so many other lives too. Almost as if a bomb went off and shrapnel went in every direction. However, I know I can’t move on or truly heal until I write. It is just the way I am. I also know that I have learned so much in a year’s time, lessons that I should have learned long ago. I want to be able to share all of that and to be able to look back on it myself. So I guess that leads to the question – where to start? I think it only makes sense to go back to late 2008 and start there, for that’s when I truly began to see that my life was crashing around me.

Believe

I think that is one of my favorite words. Such a simple word, but yet so powerful. I love it so much I leave all my Christmas "Believe" things up all year long, just to remind myself of it's power...

There are so many things it reminds me of...

• The childlike magic and joy of Christmas
• The power of Faith
• That anything is possible
• That it's important to encourage and believe in your spouse
• And the same for your children...to lift them up and teach them to spread their wings
• My boys in blue - the COLTS - I BELIEVE
• To never give up hope
• To believe in yourself and celebrate yourself
• That there is some good in all people if you look hard enough
• That things will always get better
• That God has great plans for each of us

I think at times "Believe" has been a somewhat comfort to me in the hardest of times. 2009 was a difficult year. One of the hardest I've ever encountered. There were days where I truly wondered how I was going to get through the day and just be able to cope. I started the year separated from my husband, in marriage counseling, 12 weeks pregnant and a royal mess. Shortly there after I almost lost someone so very dear to me when she tried to take her own life. I thought my heart truly broke in two that day. I've never felt such deep sorrow. In that one moment my life forever changed. There was no going back. Each passing week brought with it more buried hurts to deal with and to overcome. All the while trying my best to nurture the growing precious life within me and save my marriage. And then when that little life arrived mid-year, she came to us with some serious health concerns that worried the crap out of us. I spent many sleepless nights hovered over her just listening to make sure she was breathing. However, I can truly say that I survived it all and I'm stronger for it. Looking back I couldn't have told you then if I'd be able to get to this day in one piece. I've grown and learned so much about myself, my marriage, my family and life in general. There were just some detours along the way. Watch out world - I'm on my way to becoming the woman God always intended for me to be. I think in the coming weeks and months I will finally write about it all. I think I'm ready and the words are finally there. I'm finally beginning to make sense of it all, move on and look forward to all the blessings to come. 2010 - I do believe it's going to be an awesome year.